He left

How can I exhibit the symptoms of a widow when he is not dead?

Why does his face appear somewhere in every crowd?

Why does it take every ounce of self control to go INTO my home each day?

Why do I wait for the sound of him messing with the lock to come home and die again when he does not, again?

Why does my mother tell me he could have earned brownie points by coming to help me get around on my usual wednesday round but he did not show. And she was disappointed.  She wants him to want to be here; with me, for me. Obviously he doesn;t.  Somehow I have to accept this is a real ending.

He went.

He walked.

He can justify and argue it.

But he is gone.

He did not stay.

Therefore he does not love me enough to stay.

And I am NOT okay.

I am a mess.

I am desperately hoping for a chance and a place to just fall apart.


9 comments on “He left

  1. Thanks Chaz. The girls HAVE helped. Look – here I am and I have made it through this terrible week. Almost a whole week. Ad I didnt drop the ball. I WILL do this. I can do this, and survive.

  2. Maggs, whilst I can understand the temptation of just getting away and letting everything wash over you. You know it’s not going to happen, you’ll find support in the kids and get through this first phase of helplessness and depair.

    Then in a few weeks try and take a minimum of a day to relax so you can keep on living your life as you’ve still got a long time in the crease!

    I seem to remember someone saying ‘Living well is the best revenge’.

  3. Thanks Shannon. That is an interesting perspective. That may help me put things in place. And it is a death. And I am not good at letting go. And I am trying so hard to be grown up about this. One day at a time. One day. One hour, one minute. Maggs

  4. It is a death as you have mentioned.. hopes, dreams, desires, wishes, plans, habits, etc.

    I will say I don’t think it was about loving you enough. I think it was more about him not loving himself enough.

    Thinking of you,

  5. Trace, so far I have not dropped the ball. I am here with and for Geni. The normal things that get done in a week, well they are getting done. I am working and performing, and not in tears constantly. I am being productive. I am also grieving. I m loved, and I do love and have a life full to overflowing. With love. This is one aspect, and a very selfish one that has sundered. I am not by nature selfish. It is hard.

  6. Lermie, I would NOT wish this experience on anybody. I have taken up the exercise option. The booze / blow option is not one I would use ( as I am sure you are aware), but still it all overwhelms me. It is a death though, of hopes, and dreams. And the feelings are still there. Maggs.

  7. Like Burst, the first line struck me as well. But another did also… “he did not love me enough”…to stay. When a person feels unloved it becomes like a Cancer that grows inside them. Thoughts and feelings that a normal soul would not have begin to consume us….

    Maggie, I fear for you and I feel the cancer growing. You need to understand you are a rainbow…you carry all specturms of light in you…I need to know you are going to be ok…and I am not so sure anymore… *sigh* Focus on your rainbow; find your light again….

    love you…

  8. BTW, my friend, a good place to fall apart is Cuba.

    Your first line struck me most. I remember once someone telling me that I would get over them because people get over a death. I thought on that for a long time. In death, you have no choice but to get over someone because they are not coming back. It’s final. When someone leaves you, no matter how silly you know it to be, you can’t get over the idea that they might come back…

    Take care of you. Big hug.

  9. I don’t know what to say – but, I shan’t let that stop me saying something.

    But, all I can recommend is having an affair with his brother or a massive weekend on the booze/blow. This is probably not particularly helpful.

    I just hope that it is getting easier breath by breath. Exercise (apparently) is supposed to be good in these times. I’d be suspicious of this advice.

    Take care & I hope tomorrow is a better day & sorry for not knowing what to say

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