Today I am actively working with my own mind to keep myself within each and every moment. Pieces of me have been disappearing into unexpected memory that pops up and overlays and takes over any reality I am walking through and within.
The sun is shining. The weather is supposed to be lows of 11 ( that’s celsius not Fahrenheit!!) and highs of 18. A little below the average for early spring, but the sun is making the birds sing outside my bedroom window. I checked the weather to see what I should be wearing today to work.
Work is horrendously busy as the Project Manager of the business units major project ( relaunch of the business website ) is away for 5 weeks and it is the pointy end of the project. As well as my own work I have taken this on for the duration. That’s fine by me. Busy helps keep me anchored in the present. In now. No time to get lost within myself. The busy-ness drags me through time clutching me to something I can see. Work has often been my refuge when my heart disappears.
It comes down to me, you see. The roof over our head is dependent on me. The food we eat and the life we live is my responsibility. So therefore regardless of what I want to do, I must keep going; business as usual.
Right now this alone keeps me seemingly whole. How little everyone realises this is a construct. The veneer is paper thin and if anyone looks too closely the crackled surface will dissolve and I will shatter into the million broken shards of a person that I have become.
But noone gets that close.