Another day

Today I am actively working with my own mind to keep myself within each and every moment.  Pieces of me have been disappearing into unexpected memory that pops up and overlays and takes over any reality I am walking through and within.

The sun is shining.  The weather is supposed to be lows of 11 ( that’s celsius not Fahrenheit!!) and highs of 18. A little below the average for early spring, but the sun is making the birds sing outside my bedroom window.  I checked the weather to see what I should be wearing today to work.

Work is horrendously busy as the Project Manager of the business units major project ( relaunch of the business website ) is away for 5 weeks and it is the pointy end of the project.  As well as my own work I have taken this on for the duration.  That’s fine by me.  Busy helps keep me anchored in the present.  In now.  No time to get lost within myself.  The busy-ness drags me through time clutching me to something I can see.  Work has often been my refuge when my heart disappears.

It comes down to me, you see.  The roof over our head is dependent on me.  The food we eat and the life we live is my responsibility.  So therefore regardless of what I want to do, I must keep going; business as usual.

Right now this alone keeps me seemingly whole.  How little everyone realises this is a construct.  The veneer is paper thin and if anyone looks too closely the crackled surface will dissolve and I will shatter into the million broken shards of a person that I have become.

But noone gets that close.



3 comments on “Another day

  1. work is good. This is not a pleasant walk and I walked it as a male, hiding emotions from everyone until I was alone. Not a method I would suggest.

  2. …as I suspect it will for me too. Thank you Kate. I know you very well are aware of this walk.

  3. So glad that you have work to keep you occupied! And the burden of responsibility… Maggie, I wish I could help you carry it (although most of the time it felt like a dense fog one had to navigate through) anyway, I wish i could ease the burden a little.
    From 2002 to 2006 I kept this going through my head, (Dale had wanted me to play it at his funeral, but I couldn’t. Instead, when I’d get lonely and overwhelmed, I’d
    think of The Rolling Stones;

    “you can’t always get what you want,
    but if you try sometimes, you just might find,
    you get what you need.”

    In the end, what I had wanted changed a great deal.


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