In the morning light where it now lives on the wall, parts of the solid colour sections seem liquid metal. ( Can you tell I am pleased with the result? I am. )
Tonight, unwinding, I hauled out some notebooks I have been collecting thoughts and memories, sketches and recipes. Over eyars I have been doing this. It is as essential to me as breathing is. I was hunting Christmas recipes. And although it was the recipe I was hunting down, the following sketch waylaid me. The chicken scrawl around it is my writing – I am incessently scribbling something. I always was. I always am.
Also the sadness seeped through the poetry and the quotes and places I wrote my heart out.
I am grateful for this balance. For this reminder from life. He is gone, but pieces of our entwining walk through life still twist their way through me. I accept that.
Here I choose to wish him love and light, and let go of the alarming pain. Reading my thoughts, my loneliness and my hurt took me back into those feelings. I embraced them as the true part of me that they are. And let them wash over me. They did not leave a bad taste as they once did. I do not regret my 8 years. With him. I am sad that he was unable to express love in a way I desperately need. I am grateful for all the lessons I learned with him and because of him. The part of me that believes in “happy ever afters” is sad this was not to be for us. And that is simply that.
Throughout my life I have little timebombs of feelings and memories which will waylay me. I expect this. I know I will walk and work my way through them – hopefully with gratitude and love.