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Annual stocktake

At this point of the year – as the old year wanes and the New One burgeons ready to bud on the close horizon – I gather my thoughts and hold them close while I examine them and number them before I trot them out in words and thoughts.  I look at where I have come from and measure the distance and capture and acknowledge the lessons. Then I begin to set the sail for where I plan to go.

I am grateful for each and every lesson I have learned this year.  Shall I share some of them with you?

  1. ‘THIN Me’ is beautiful in a very 21st century way.  ‘NOT Thin Me’ is also beautiful in an ancient rubenesque way.  I embrace the ‘Thin Me’ and ‘NOT THIN Me’ with great love.  Because someone  failed my test and didn’t love ‘NOT Thin Me’, does not mean ‘NOT Thin Me’ is not lovable.  After all, however the outside is, I am still me!!  That was his lesson and his lack,  NOT at all and in any way a validation that I am unlovable.  His lesson.  His path.  Not my issue. However, the lessons I learned along this particular journey ( painful as they are) are valuable and infinitely precious to me. They are signposts for me, pointing my way forward.  Exposing this truth of HIS underscored clearly to me that he was not at all the man I once believed he was.  So I accept that and thank God for this lesson and let go with great love.  This does not at all mean his rejection does not hurt.  It does.  And that is okay too.  I embrace that with great love.  And let that go, too.  Strange, I feel lighter already.
  2. I am on my way to heart whole healing. This has been many years waiting for my willingness to finally stop and look at myself and begin the lessons of loving me.  So here I stand, facing a lifetime of emotion I have stomped on , pushed away, buried, closed my eyes and ignored, even deferred.  I begin this journey towards  wholeness. I embrace this path.  I have loved and do love others deeply.  Now I begin to love myself with the same commitment and passion.  This journey is a new adventure for me and I am sure there are lessons aplenty alone the way.  But I embrace this journey.
  3. All of us are old.  None of us know when our time to leave this mortal world approaches.  In light of this I choose to tell those I love that I love them and show them in my deeds and surround them with loving thoughts, each and every day.    I am also grateful for each and every day I have them in my life.  And I am grateful indeed for this gift of a day to live.  Another one.

I acknowledge here that fear motivates all bad choices, regardless of how it manifests.  I acknowledge fear is the absence of love, so therefore fear is a crying out for love.  I will remind myself of this often – when I see it in myself and when I see it behind the poor choices those I love make.

Yesterday it was confirmed clearly for me that Tony has replaced me and is now virtually living with the girl he metwhile still living with me and when Mum was direly ill in late May.  At that time he chose to head north and party while I traveled by myself southward across the city to sit beside the hospital bed of my mother.  Alone.  I acknowledge that this news (although no surprise to me) was like the slice of a knife.  I realise that pain is in this instance a good thing.  If I can feel pain, then my heart is not yet dead! To move beyond this and heal I need to embrace and acknowledge this pain of rejection and betrayal so I might finally let it go.  I accept that Tony ceased loving me a long, long time ago for him to be able to so rapidly move into something else.  I accept that Tony was always more in love with my Family than he ever was with me.   He has done me a favour.

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6 comments on “Annual stocktake

  1. I like her, too, M. I do indeed!!!

  2. I look forward to more from the new you. I like her!

  3. I am working on That Scott. I sometimes still get startled by the hurt. But I haul myself up by the bootstraps and stedfastly face ahead – not back. Maggs. PS – I am okay. And if I keep saying it I shall one day believe it through and through.

  4. All things happen for a reason, Maggs. You may not understand it now, and you certainly won’t always like the things that happen, but I firmly believe it is all part of a Grand Plan, and you’ll ultimately be better off and happier. Be strong.

    (I know…it’s easier said than done.)

    S

  5. Hey Chaz. I wish you and you wife a wondrous and wonderful New Year. I am just me, probably more so than I have been in a long time. Life’s shakeup has done me a world of good, albeit laced with pain. Hope all is well with you.

  6. Maggs, that you continue onward and upwards in a positive and non-bitter manner shows what a great person you are.

    Wishing you and your kids all the best for the new year.

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