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New Year Musings.

As New Year’s Eve grows around me, I sit here and I find I cannot remember last New Year’s Eve.  I cannot tell you what I did, where I was, or even who I was with. Geni and Leonnie were with their father the first half of those Christmas holidays so I had no housefull of teens.  They came to us only after the first week of January.

I was still living with Tony at that time, but things were fraught.  I had stopped communicating with him; telling him the minutiae of my life.  I reasoned that if he showed no interest in being with me, or around me, then I would cease to share my life.  Work had relocated the second week of NOvember and I was heavily involved.  Tony never asked before, or at the time – even though I worked at the weekend ( which was rare and unusual for me).  He did ask me when we were moving AFTER I had emailed him from the new location.  Only because the new address and relocation disclaimer was part of my email footer.   And because he asked, I lied to him.   What I was doing was hazing here I truly sat – inched myself sideways so I appeared to be there ( the image still was) but the real me which I had initially gifted him with, now no longer stood close enough for him to see or even recognise.   I was preparing for an end.  I was distancing myself emotionally in order to survive.

It is easy in retorspect to see these things and understand the conscious and subconscious workings in myself – after all I have spent a lot of time working through this.  Years in fact.

Geni and a friend have already left for the beach ( with sunscreen and insect repellent, Tiny Teddies, sultanas, red apples, water…).  Leonnie is sleeping and will prepare for her New Year’s Celebration south and east across the city later in the day.  Amy is in Melbourne with two lifelong friends.  Money is sparse as I spoiled my loved ones an paid my bills, leaving me little until my next pay.  That’s okay – I am not in debt.

Mum and I are busily preparing for the arrival of her brother and sister to stay with her on 6 February.  I will ensure her house is as she likes it before they get there and I will take some leave from work to be available to go around with them and be mum’s pseudo hostess and generally ease things for them.

I am looking forward.  My house is ordered and not chaotic.  There is air and light and the furniture is arranged in aesthetically pleasing ways.  My budget for the coming year is prepared, my new diary already has entries.

I weighed myself this morning and I am 26 kilos/57lb lighter than I was on the day I left Tony and moved in here in August.  I have dropped 4 dress/pant/clothing sizes.  I am still NOT quite where I want to be weightwise, but I am getting there.  More importantly, the loss of weight is not my primary goal; The main goal is about fitness and health.  I can now walk 10kms and still be able to talk, and move afterwards.  My ankles do not swell this summer for the first time in 6 years.  My cholesterol is down to the low risk range.

I can run 5kms.   Two years ago I attempted to walk the length of Somerville Rd one Satiurday morning.  That road is 4.5kms only in length.  I got less than halfway and I felt I could not breath; I was drowning.  I determined at that time to improve my fitness and embarked on regular exercise.    I am thrilled at how far I have come.  Exercise is now a part of my each and every day.  And it is painless and in fact I seek it out.  I put on a swimming costume I bought recently and actually disrobed and went swimming in public instead of avoiding it.  Everyone survived – even me.  There were no whale sightings reported.  AND the swimmers are too big!!

My extra poundage was a means of hiding from the world.  Subconsciously I reasoned that if the man who said he loved me didn’t want to spend time with me, then I must be ugly and embarassing.  MY subsconscious mind expanded my body to hold the huge hurt I felt.  I waited for things to change, for him to CHOOSE to come home to me, and when he didnt I numbed the pain temporarily with the very things that made me less externally loveable.

As you can see, this year has been quite the journey towards self love and in letting go.

Here I stand at the beginning of a New Year determined to continue to become the very best me I can be, in word, in thought and in deed.

  1. I am exploring this area for where I might volunteer and give back.  Now Geni and Leonnie are older and more socially active, perhaps instead of sitting and waiting I can get out there and focus on giving to those less fortunate than I am.
  2. One daughter and I have decided to exercise several afternoons a week together.  This complex I live in has a pool, spa, sauna and a fully equipped gym.  AJ and Geni and the two of us will exercise, eat a pleasant meal spend some time growing to know each other.
  3. I have two 5km walking routes mapped out and keep my iPod loaded.  I will make the time to get out and walk these each and every day, as I am able.
  4. One evening a week I will sleep at Mum’s and go to work the next day from there, just because we still have each other – and because I still can!!
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8 comments on “New Year Musings.

  1. I can relate to every word you have written here and have lived each moment of that despair and heartache. I, too, have asked myself “why” about my own yearnings. This has ld to conflicted thoughts and feelings within me, at times. Writing has, and does help. You are not alone on this journey. I am walking each step like you, and with you. One day at a time, my friend. If we learn the lessons, mayhap we will not revisit our errors. I look forward to reading you. Maggs

  2. The line “choose to come home to me” resonates with me. He never chose to come to me…the accusations that I’m not trustworthy etc that are still coming strong surprise and sometimes offend me…he claims he ‘knows what I’m like’ and I’m sitting here thinking who is he talking about as that girl is not me, nor has ever been me!
    Sometimes I think why did I want him to ‘choose’ me…I guess when you’ve put your heart and soul in something-when you’ve chosen them-you hope, long for, the other person to choose you too, I used to think if he chose me everything would work out…he never chose me, even when I left he didn’t once say ‘I want YOU’ instead he said “who’s going to clean this place and make my food?”…this man wasn’t capable of choosing me…and even if he had I don’t think he was worthy enough of the love I had to give.

    I need to start posting more Maggs-will do soon-happy new year xxx

  3. You too Dorrie. Baby steps forwards.

  4. you have accomplished so much this past year…. may it continue in 2011! {hugs}

  5. Rea, it has been about learning lessons, and beginning to treat myself with the same love I treat everyone else. One of those lessons is about choices. Each time I have been tempted to eat something I don’t need, I ask myself if this is what my body really needs. And if it isn’t then I find something else to do. No more eating for numbing pain, for filling the void left by someone else’s lack of love. Now this is about treating myself and my body with respect. It is paying off.

  6. My friend, I wish you joy and peace as we both move forwards into 2011.

  7. Ah so much I want to say and so much I can really relate too in this post. But right now, I want to wish you a happy new year and all the best for 2011!

  8. 26 kilos lost — you just keep on adding on my admiration for you. You have handled life challenges gracefully and come out so beautiful! Is it just all exercise and food watch? Got to do that myself Maggs and lose some more life’s baggages!

    Happiest New Year to you!
    🙂

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