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Morning thoughts

I am okay.  I function.  I have goals and relentlessly work towards them.  I have ups and downs.

All my life, as far back as I can remember I have wanted certain things.

  • I want to write.  I want to paint pictures with my words that communicate images and emotions. I want to speak with my words all the things people may feel but never say, and give them voice – almost as if I am a tool.    Some of this I do.  But I know I have nowhere in any way accomplished all I should or could with this  gift.
  • I want to paint.  For as long as I an remember I wanted to be a true artist.  But I have not had the time to study and work at this craft, to become wonderful.  But that driving force, that yearning is within me.
  • I want to be a mother.  When I was a teeny tiny girlchild when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was always a mother.  This I have accomplished.
  • I also dreamed of a house on acres of land with its own water source, a vegetable /kitchen garden, it’s own water source and oddly a white picket fence.  The house had a huge lazy verandah all around it and overhung with a roof.  There was an orchard of fruit trees of all kinds as well, and goats, chickens, sheep and …well this as you can see was well fleshed out.   The front and back doors were never closed and people were always welcomed.  This has never come true because it was coupled with the next one.
  • I wanted to love someone and be loved by him.  Absolutely.  To know that when I went to bed at night and woke in the morning that this someone was with me.  I know I can love that way.  I meet someone, they get inside me  – I feel that leap, the burn that eases into that wonderful spreading warmth.  Time and again I have taken that leap knowing that here was someone who might also be on this journey with me – and then someothing they do or say tells me clearly they are not that man.  And something inside of me closes down.  Instead of all those parts of me opening up and beating in a whole way, piece by piece my heart and soul shuts down.  Instead of brilliant and glowing I become JUST okay and just good.

I have purpose and direction and everything is just fine.   But I know there is and can be more.  I can’t explain fully what that magical more is but I do know it an be and for me, should be.

And if I am honest I am terrfied I will never find this person, who has the key to unlocking all the secret parts of myself – that those empty spaces will always stay that way inside of me, unfulfilled, unopened. Unaired in light and life and joy.

I live inside a vast well of quietness.  Inside.  It is like my whole emotional spectrum has been cauterised and I feel nothing.  I function.  I am productive.  I live up to my committments and my responsibilities.

To open these hidden coffers would turn every ordinary day into a pefect jewel living within my hand and heart.

I see it.  I feel it.  I want it.

I wait.

I have waited my whole life.  Please know my life is by no means empty and it is full of love.  But still I wait.  And yearn.

I know I am tied to someone.  Maybe it is someone I haven’t met, yet.  Could it be that all the mistakes I have made, all the Mr Wrong’s have only been to teach me something to lead me to Mr Right?

 

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