I am not one to subscribe to commercial/brand type events however to balance that, I am also one to take any reason or excuse to celebrate those I love.
This year I do not have a significant other. It is the first time in 8 years I have not had someone to hope with or hope for. There is no external significant other to yearn for and long; to belong. Yet I now have something I have not had in a long time. Myself. My true self, more authenticate and more alive and vial with each passing day.
This year I also do not have crushed hope, deferred hope and wishes – yearn to be on the receiving end of some outpouring or some evidence and reassurance of love. There is no more “my way or the highway”. I guess I chose the Highway. I do not regret this.
This year, I approach today and will celebrate the existence of love with those I love. And who have shown me time and again, they also love me. I have lunch scheduled with one daughter, my mother, my aunt and my uncle. I have dinner scheduled with another daughter, plus Geni, and my grandson. Along the way I will find a means to touch all those I love and who love me and show them in some way I am thinking of them and with great love.
What is it I have in my hand? My life is by no means empty. I am surrounded and buoyed up by love; both given to me and gifted by me. By me and for me, to me. All around me, in fact.
Someone asked me yesterday if I was afraid I would not find anyone for me. I did not even hesitate, or have to think about the answer. That answer is no. I am not afraid. Why? Because it is better to be alone than with the wrong person for the wrong reason.
I have learned a single man of a certain age has a shorter shelf life than a woman. Tony seemed to walk out the door and immediately into another relationship. But that is his journey and the fact he has done this does not hurt me. Anymore. I am grateful. I wish him love and I truly hope it gives them both what they want and need.
For me, I look at what I have and I am grateful. Truly. If love comes to me, it will come whether I grasp for it or not. I am not in any mind or heart shape to seek or grasp. I am certainly not desperate. I earn the money that keeps a roof over our heads and pays the bills and supplies wants as well as needs. I am fortunate to be able to do this and enjoy myself at the same time. I have study. I have children and grandchildren. I have friends; trusted and loyal. And I still have my mum.
I realised something was direly wrong with the relationship I was locked into when the thought of losing my mum hurt and devastated me more than the thought of los was when I began to look at leaving. There was always a part of me that “hoped” he would find some magic. But he was not a man of the kind of magic that spins love and joy of the very air we breathe. He was not a man that would or could express understanding on a deep level in ways I could understand and believe. He looked to get, within a very rigid framework that kept him “safe”. But left me empty and frozen.
The ice is melting and the princess is awake and fluid again. In fact, vibrant with life and living.
Watch out world.
May each of you whom I love find love and affirmation and joy today and every day.