Choices and Conseqences

I received a convoluted phone call last night from one of my daughters asking my opinion of her choice.    For that evening as there was guilt she felt.

You see, it was her birthday and she initially said she didnt want to go anywhere because she had run out of cash and so postponed the family ( sisters night out) from this week to next.  So she met her teacher fellow workers for High tea at a swish establishment in the city and then they took her for a drink.  Older sister was working and then had University but was feeling out of sorts because they weren’t doing anything and in truth felt left out because Amy was having high tea with those she teaches along side.

Tess is married and has a husband and to lovely children.  Amy is now 23 and has not often made choices based on what SHE wants.  She is in he first year working ( and not studying) and some of her choices have been based solely on what she wants, but young and single – THIS is her time for those things.  Plus in the last few weeks she has been seeing someone, and she is very fond of this person.  Very.

The High Tea became a drink and Tess had stayed too late at work for Uni and was miffed that Amy was out having a drink or two.  Her young man had telephoned and asked her to do something with him and he was with her.  Tess again felt left out and went home silently.  And Amy felt guilty.

Didshe do the right thing?

It is her birthday and when she asked herself what SHE wanted, it was to be doing something with her young man.

Her odler sisters made some alarmingly selfish choices in their younger days, so they should not be surprised when Amy begins to.  I mean she has trodden very carefully and not exercised unsafe choices until now.

I asked her what she really wanted.  And she was doing that.  It wasn;t planned but it IS what she wants.  And at the beginning of a relationship or the pssibility of one, when does the object of those feelings NOT take precedence or a while?  I told her to dump the guilt and enjoy every moment of the night.  And deal with the reaction from her sister tomorrow.   Or not.  There is a lesson in here for Tess too.

She has her husband and two lovely children, her work and study.  What is that in her hand?

I love them both dearly and know they will find their way through this.

Words

A fragile day

glistens into being.

I hear

your silent words

falling about me

like tender caresses.

I wonder

Do you know

how deeply

your simple thoughts

move me?

‘Be true to the dreams of your youth.’ George Bernard Shaw

In a speech by Lord Puttnam, producer and policy maker, from the 2009 Edinburgh International Film Festival, I pulled the above quote which jumped up and sang in my face.  In the midst of a work day my thoughts turn to what my young dreams were.  Away my mind and heart tripped tpo revisit the younger me.

Writing, illustrating, publishing.

A mother and a wife.

Travelling.

Some of these I have nailed. Others I have danced around and dance with.  Is this is a sign I should look back and revisit and grow again?

What were your childhood dreams?

Some interesting numbers

10g  -  That is the small amount of mushrooms you need to eat each day to reduce your risk of breast cancer by a staggering 64%, according to researchers at the University of Western Australia.

2.1  -  That’s how much younger you will look if you eat the recommended daily serves of 2 fruit and 5 vegetables compared to those who do not, according to experts at the British Nutrition Foundation.

8%  -  That’s how much stronger bones become when calcium intake is derived from dairy products rather than supplements.

1890kj  -  This is the number of extra kilojoules consumed from unhealthy breakfast choices eaten to overcome hangover symptoms.

3 – 6 months  -  That’s the length of time antioxidants in olive oil last before they start to spoil. So don’t buy olive oil in bulk, purchase smaller bottles and store away form the light.

The Best Things in Life

As I have not stinted on life and living I have walked the Red Carpet at film premieres, met and grown to know people mentioned in news reports (sometimes favourably – sometimes not so favourably!) , lived in many countries and savoured and tasted mny cultures far different from that I was raised to believe was “normal”, flown in private jets and dined in premier restaurants.

For a fleeting moment, all the above events made me feel a little giddy and slightly glamourous and at the “centre” of things and gave me cause toc all my mum or a friend and exclaim “You will NEVER guess where I am and who I am with….”

But never for a second have any of these made me happy.  Walking the Red carpet, for example,often involves uncomfortable clothing, being kept waiting what seems like FORVER for global egos and talking inanely with folk who could not care less that you are there, as their eyes constantly scan the crowd for someone famous.  Much more fun for me is to share a movie with someone I love at the local theatres, holding hands in the dark and sneaking sips of his soda sharing the chocolate coated ice cream which seems to exist everywhere.

If I think about it, the time I am happiest is curled under a ratty old throw rug on the lounge with children and grandkiddlies snuggled all around and against me watching a rerun of a dvd.  I know they are warm, safe, well fed and content.  I am a lioness with her cubs – in fact I think I would almost wash them with my tongue if they would let me. And there I sit watching a movie I have seen amny times before enjoying it anew through their unjaded eyes.

It is simple pleasures and not fancy treats which make me feel whole.  They reassure me that the world is where it should be.  They pull me into the moment where I may live intensely even these small pleasures away from some unsetling future which may not even happen.  Or if it has, these moments, reassure, distratc and soothe.

In winter I watch the morning cloud fill the river valley at the edge of my yard.  I hear the birds raucously proclaiming morning  and I embrace another wondrous day of life.  In spring I wait for the wattle to puff into golden life nd listen while half of humanity develops sinus issues and sneezes, eye watering.  I cut three of four branches and place them inside because this tells me that winter is dead and warmer weather approaches.

I like the clean lines of a well ordered house: if I am restless or troubled I will clean out the wardrobe or tackle the linene closet or pantry.  The drudgery of cleaning and sorting and organising is repaid many times over with the pleasure of opening a door and seeing everything lined neatly, inviting me to touch, or cook.  I love taking a bootload of books or linene and clothing to th charity shop and it feels as if the whole house has been cleansed.

The deepest pleasures are not the huge  long-anticipated events that scatter our lives.  For me pleasure is small, personal and impromptu.  The ime a friend dropped by and you listened to and danced to crap 80’s songs; the last lesson of semester that ended in a bar somewhere giggling over lousy wine with a classfull of people you had always wanted to get to know; Words from someone dear from a world way sharing small precious pieces of their world with me ….

What makes you happy?

Waiting – “How much of human life is lost in waiting” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have given much thought to waiting in the last few days.    What is it?  It is when you know there i something or someone ahead in time and you are not quite there yet in hours and days, or even moments.

I m not a big fan of waiting and in this age of technology we have an entire generation of people raised on instant entertainment and instant gratification when in truth there are some benefits to waiting too.  Moments to savour the closeness of a long held dream,   moments to count the true cost of a decision, moments to simply stretch our patience ( I know mine has needed constant help to grow and stretch across this life time.)  Moments to count towards the fulfilling of a hope.

Between the wish and the thing life lies waiting.

I have said many times I have a degree in waiting.  I waited most of my life to be loved, a lot of that time not seeing the love that cushioned and surrounded me.  How vain and shallow and self centred a young girl was I.  Romantic love also was something I waited for.  I loved, why was I not loved back in the same way?  Simple really – the answer time has taught me , noone else IS me.  By not accepting the genuine outflowing of the love another can give, you miss an opportunity.  In case you are wondering, I am a true romantic.  And love is love is a constant, it is just persons who have their own lessons and their own ways of expressing love.

“People count up the faults of those who keep them waiting” French proverb.  Simply, I agree.

Random Sunday Morning thoughts

I am sipping my way through a cup of coffee I could swim in.  It is thick and fragrant and black and tastes as good as cooffee smells.  The cup is so big and so full my hand shakesif I try and pick it up in one hand.  It is larger than a soup bowl.  And yes, I am being self indulgent.  And I know it.

Geni and Leonnie are sleeping still and we are all being collected ( thank you Bernard) for soccer fairly early.  it will be a big soccer day with a game at 11.40 and a makeup game at 3pm.    Once I have drunk in the coffee I will race around doing the many little things that keep them fed and watered ( snacks, meals on the run, lots and lots of water etc).

We three girls went and saw the Proposal yesterday and I enjoyed i more than I expected to.  Geni only spent one hour on the internet and they had one or two sibling squablles in the course of the day.  I found myself lecturing about self absorption and consideration for everyone around them – but felt they both listened, did two loads of washing as well.

Geni retired to her room after both did hair and styled and tried things on and I wandered into Leonnie’s room to find her sitting in the dark facing away from the door.  I asked her if she was praying or meditating and she got up and followed me out of the darkness and talked about NOT being depressed and NOT thinking of ways to die and all sorts of alarm bells went off in me.  I was so grateful I wandered in there delivering folded washing at that exact time.  I explained to her that it is normal to wonder why we are here and to feel all these string emotions at this age.  I explained I too felt things like that when I was a teen and most girls do.  It is partly growing into a woman and the play of those hormones, but it is also part of finding our place in the scheme of things.  I didnt overdo the talk.

I believe I showed her that someone SAW her and noticed.    I suspect in her dad’s house those people there are self absorbed and do not tune in to these delicate small very important tests of a child/woman.    I will not fail this last daughter of mine.

The door remained open but I did not ask it of her and she then wandered in and out.  She and I sorted a dvd series she wanted to watch and began to see the first two episodes companionably.

At the right time I thanked her for being so good with my birthday and for going out of her way to do everything she could to make it special for me.    I told her that I am proud of her and SEE her.  And appreciate her thoughtfulness and that I will never take it for granted.

I am grateful I saw this.  I am grateful she opened up and spilled the toxic thoughts capturing them in words.  What a relief this did not get buried and grow bigger.   Teenage years are such a difficult minefield to navigate!!!!  I am sometimes so tired of being asked if “My hair looks good like this?  or like this?”  when the two styles are largely identical.  “Do I look fat?”  from two whisps of slender girlings.  “Have you seen this hugs pimple?”  I go looking for a magnifying glass to find a tiny noduled buried under hair at a hairline but to them it is like Mount Vesuvius.

As you all know my mother a year ago in July was admitted to hospital with stomach cancer and they removed 2/3rds of her stomach and then a plethora of other complications set in.  Mum is now independent again and getting on wih life ( albeit much fined down).  Earlier in her life, Mum had trouble with an ulcer and the bacteria that causes ulcers ( H. pylori) is what is known to cause stomach cancer and most people who have ulcers end up with stomach cancer.  A cancer prevention research study has found eating 70g broclli sprouts a day can reduce the rick of these stomach bugs ( and therefore cancer).  They tested this by feeding 25 people brocoli sprouts and 25 alfalfa and those who ate the brocoli sprouts at the end of two months had reduced the bacteria they carried by 40% while those eating alfalfa stayed the same.

Body Image

Having a self absorbed teen in the house can be emotionally exhausting as she stares for many hours in the mirror, and everything becomes about her or appears to be twisted that way.  This slender whisp of feminine possibility imagines spots where there is the tiniest blemish and continually sees herself as “fat”.

She wants to be blonde, and thinner.  This is from a Snow White clone with white skin and dark glossy reddy brown hair!!!  And freckles.  If any of you remember Punky Brewster – think a slightly older Punky… ( she would kill me if she knew I said this!!)

After listening to her I realised how the images these young drink in are influenced by whom they see.  Not real people they meet and chat with, but “celebrities” who we have no control over.  This is sneaky mum talking here.  When one of mine is troubled, when they stop listening to me, I inveigle one of their siblings to “talk” with them. being younger and inevitably “coller”, I manage to get my point across and reinforced.  I am well aware not everyone has the same resources to call on.

I have a weight goal, and a fitness goal, currently.  I go to the gym every work day ( I am up before the universe wakes and  I am there and working out) and go from there to work and home again.  I am careful with what I ingest.  Clothes are skimming me better, people are commenting on how well I look, but because the scales have barely moved downwards I almost feel like a failure.  This got me thinking about how programmed we are to see certain things.  And to be a certain way.

What this has done is have me examine some simple steps to a healthier family.  And if it benefits me someone out there can use these lessons.   Looking after yourself as a parent helps you manage stress but also sets a great example for younglings.

1. BE ACTIVE!!  In families where both parents are active, 95% of children are active also.  Try to plan family activities around a fitness activity – kayaking, bike riding,  especially if these are outdoors.  Time spent outdoors has long been associated with higher activity levels in children.
2. ATTACK SNACKS.  Children will eat – and grow to like – whatever food is available. around the house.  Always have out on display a bowl of the freshest seasonal fruits and encourage them to pick to their hearts content.  Make ice cream, lollies and chips the rarest of treats.
3. BAN SILLY REWARDS.  Giving sugary treats as a reward for eating their healthy part of the meal may be giving younglings the wrong idea.  Maybe they will think that if they have to be bribed to eat it,  it can’t be that good.  That also means they end up regarding he reward food as “good.”
4. INVOLVE YOUNGLINGS.   Include the children in meal planning.  Geni will sit with me and plan a week’ s meals and snacks.  By feeling her choices and opinions count, she eats the food we buy and doesn;t throw it away – nor does it grow mouldy in a bag or a drawer or under the bed!  This also encourages her to eat a wider range of foods.
5. BREAKFAST RULES.  Skipping breakfast has been related to weight issues in children and can have an effect on their concentration at school.   Don’t let anyone leave the house

Hope this helps!!!

Desire and letting go

After my morning personal training session and as I wandered the miles into work for a new week, I found myself skirting around the subject of desire and sexuality and what it means or doesn’t mean. For me.

There is physical hunger ( often called lust) which races like an infection through every breath one takes.  When this level of desire hits it  is intoxicating, exciting and galvanising.  BUT it doesn’t last.  Sadly.  I know as a woman I like being desired.  Being wanted in that way reassures me in some way.  Reaffirms that I am lovable.  When I do not feel wanted in a physical way somehow that translates as me somehow not being good enough; not attractive enough, not lovable.  But are these impressions that live deep down inside of me correct?  Am I right or wrong to measure my worth in this way.  It was a surprise to realise that my own physical desire is not always linked to the body’s hunger, but can be linked to needing reassurance.   No9w I need to think about this.

At what point in a life should one put away this want and need to feel desirable?

Does it go away?

STRESS – 10 top tips

1. LET IT OUT!  Sit quietly and hum gently,  then focus on feeling it resonate through your body.  Or tune into cheerful music and sing along.   A long noisy sigh, or a deep groan also helps release stress.
2. SWING LOW.  Stand and clasp your hands behind your back, palams facing downwards.  Slowly bring your hands up and bend from the waist, keeping your head in line with your back.  Breathe deeply, then exhale as you slowly straighten.
3. SMOOTHE OUT YOUR FACE.  Using your forefingers and thumbs, gently pinch along the bony ridges around the eyes starting at the inner corners and working out and up along the brows.  Then use your middle fingers to work clockwise on the middle of the chin, corners of the mouth and th cupids bopw of your upper lip.  Finish by pressing your temples gently.
4. SNACK SMARTER.  Keep your energy levels up and stress lebvels low with a banana or strawberry smoothie.  Whiz half a cup of no fat o low fat yoghurt with 1 sliced banana or a cup of strawberries and 3 tbs skim milk and a dash of vanilla.  Bananas especially contain two brain chemicals which help calm you.
5. SIP ROSEMARY TEA.  Place 1 tsp rosemary leaves ( fresh) in a cup of hot water and steep 2 minutes.  Inhale the wonderful aroma and then strain.  Rosemary is one of the most effective calmatives.
6. SPRITZ YOURSELF.  Beat the afternoon slump with a citrus spray.  Combine 3 drops each of orange, grapefruit and lemon oils in an 125ml spray bottle filled with fresh water.  Mist around your body and face.
7. COOL DOWN.  A “coling breathe” helps beat back shallow stress induced breathing.  Close your eyes and curl your tongue into a tube, with the tip protruding slightly.  Breathe in and out, slowly and deeply through the gap for two minutes.
8. FIND YOUR STILL POINT.  Chirpractors say you can achieve a slowing down or still point in the fluids that flow through the spinal column, affecting your stress response.  To find your still point, place two tennis balls inside a sock and tie the end.  Lie on the floor.  Place the sock betwen your head and the floor where your head topuches, dividing the balls so they balance your head.  Rest for two minutes.
9. INTERVIEW YOURSELF.  Complete this sentence: ” The thing I worry most about is…..” Reveiw your answer.  What evidence do you hav that this bad thing will happen?  Now write the same line but complete it differently.  Looking at any issue rationally prevents you from turning every event into a catastrophe.
10. SAY “STOP!!!!”  Protect your time and energy by saying stop to taking on too many tasks.  Focus your energy- the more you split your energy, the more you diminish your effectiveness.